Ejaculate the Uterus
by fyren galan
Summary: We all know where it comes from. But where does it go? Written after numerous contemplations of: Where does the Cleaning/Banishing Charm actually send things? Draco/Harry slash. Ch. 2: Where does a Banished uterus go? M-PREG. Yes, I'm serious. Kind of.
1. Ejaculate

**WARNING: I don't really know what to say for this. Semi-crack!fic, language, err… -points at title and nods- 'Nuff said. **

Ejaculate

Harry Potter drank his pumpkin juice thirstily. He stared at Draco Malfoy hungrily.

Draco tasted like pumpkin juice.

Or perhaps his pumpkin juice tasted like Draco. No, that was silly. How could that be, he thought, as he left the Hall right after a flash of blond did.

oOo

Dobby stared at the monstrous off-white pile, which towered over him in the passageway below Hogwarts. He sighed happily, knowing that there was finally a use for all of this…stuff that kept piling up year after year.

He thought, really, what else were you going to do with it? For some godforsaken reason, you couldn't Evanesco it. Burn it. Put it in a sack and give it to that nice fat Muggle in the red suit once a year. Nope. Didn't work. Believe me, the house elves had tried. But now they had a new fool-proof method for getting rid of it.

Dobby considered it as giving back to the student body, especially to Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy. After all, it was mainly their fault that the bloody pile had doubled in the past two years. Such adorable randy brats, they were.

As for the part of the pile that wasn't theirs, that was easily taken care off. The Headmaster had been complaining of the food being a little bland as of late. Dobby grinned. This stuff was anything but bland.

oOo

Harry groaned as Draco bit his neck and soothed it with his tongue. Draco lifted his head and panted, "Need you…right now. Pumpkin juice…tasted just like you. Want you so badly…"

Harry replied, "Ngh…" Which of course translated to, "Really? How interesting. Mine also tasted of your delicious essence."

Draco scrunched up his nose adorably. "It's funny, though. The rest of breakfast just tasted rather… bitter."

FIN. :]

A/N: I found this in the depths of my laptop. I wonder why I didn't post it earlier… :]


	2. Uterus

This was brought on by Nocturnal Smile's amazing review to Fandangled Pureblood Theories:

The worst is when it's painfully obvious that someone failed their biology class and they don't bother giving any explanation for why a male human suddenly has a workable uterus.

Thank you so much!

And I know I said it takes a year for the baby to be born; this was taken from Tiro's story Love Conquers Anything. Which is about the only M-Preg story I can palpate.

**WARNING: M-Preg (for real this time), language, probably the worst characterizations I've ever done (but it's on purpose!), slash, and sosososomuch!crack. **

Uterus

Draco stared with pride down at his beautiful baby girl that his beautiful husband had just given birth to. She was absolutely perfect; how could she have not been, what with two extraordinary parents?

He leaned over and kissed his husband's forehead. "We did it," he said softly.

Harry smiled up gently at him, and replied, "'Course we did. Love you."

The Healer interrupted their tender family moment with a slight cough. They looked over at him.

"If I could have but one moment of your time, Mr. and Mr. Potter-Malfoy, then I can leave you alone."

Draco sighed. "What do you need?" he asked impatiently.

The Healer gulped nervously. "Well, I, uh, y'see- there's a small medical procedure that must- it's got to happen-"

Draco cut off the Healer's infernal blathering. "Spit it out, man, and get on with it."

"I have to Banish your husband's uterus."

Draco gaped. "What?"

The Healer paled. "Well, the uterus isn't supposed to be in your husband's body in the first place, because men aren't made to have children. Unfortunately, your explosive compatibility of magic and overall sexy lurve made it possible, so your husband got pregnant. Because men aren't born with uteruses, your powerful combined magic created one to remain for the year it took the baby to be born. Now, the baby is born, and the body has no use for the uterus, so I have to Banish it before your husband's body tries to expel it on its own."

Draco yawned. "Can you repeat that part really quick? I kind of stopped paying attention after the first time you said uterus in that boring scholarly tone."

Harry snapped at his husband, "Shut up and let the man do his spell so we can get back to cuddly family time, damn it!"

Draco lazily acquiesced, and the man nervously Banished Harry's uterus before running from the room.

Harry and Draco indulged in Cuddly Family Time for a few minutes, before Draco suddenly gasped. "How wasteful! We should've kept that uterus for the next time we have a child so that we don't have to make the effort to create a new one! I wonder if we can get that one back?"

Harry pouted, and replied, "Who cares? It's Kissy Time!"

And so it was.

oOo

Dobby cursed for the first time in his life.

He had no idea what to do with the damned things, and now there were five of them.

What were they? He had no idea. They were about the size of a human babe, somewhat roundly-shaped, and wrinkly.

One of the more knowledgeable kitchen staff told him this was where babies came from.

Dobby had never been more glad to be a House Elf.

It was a dilemma, though. How to get rid of them? He couldn't put them in the drinks and food like he did with the shrinking whitish pile next door. They looked too…leathery.

And that thought gave Dobby an idea.

oOo

Two weeks later, the Three Broomsticks came out with a wildly popular new brand of beef jerky, which they bought from an anonymous source.

FIN.

A/N: Go and read Nocturnal Smile's stories now; she's an amazing author!


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